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Driving home the other day, I heard on the radio an advertisement for an on-line dating service. When I arrived home, I looked up eHarmony.com on my computer. No, everything is fine with my marriage. I was just curious about how they go about match making. eHarmony promises to “narrow the field from millions of candidates” to a “highly select group of singles with whom you share deep levels of compatibility.” eHarmony purports to base their assessment of compatibility upon 29 dimensions that predict happier and healthier relationships. They divide the 29 dimensions into core traits (such as “kindness,” “dominance,” “energy,” “humor,”---and curiously “obstreperousness”) and vital attributes (such as “communication style,” “spirituality,” “traditionalism,” and “education”). I know a number of single pastors who have availed themselves of online dating services such as eHarmony. Considering the difficulty which any single pastor has of finding and developing non-work related relationships, especially when they are located in a small town, these services would seem to provide a useful product. But that’s not what I was thinking about when I heard the ad. What I began to wonder about is whether a similar matching service might be useful for individuals looking for a church home. How does one go about finding a faith community that is a good fit, especially if one lives in a large metropolitan area? Even turning to Google maps isn’t much help. A search for “churches” in Lincoln, Nebraska, turns up listings for “4,061 churches near Lincoln, NE.” Denominational labels used to provide somewhat of a guide. Like choosing between a MacDonald’s or Perkins restaurant, you pretty much knew what to expect before you walked through the door of an Assembly of God or an Episcopal church. Today, however, you can oftentimes find as many differences within denominations as between them. And how is one to asses those congregations like “New Life Church” or “Eagles Nest Worship Center” that eschew denominational labels altogether? Is it possible that the well-known fact that more than twice as many individuals claim to be Christians than belong to any faith community has something to do with the practical difficulty of finding a church that is a good match? Many have had unsatisfactory experiences with the faith community they once attended. They have no idea how to go about finding one where they will feel more at home. So, what dimensions would one use to predict a “happier and healthier” church membership? Core traits for both congregation and individual might presumably include basic doctrinal beliefs, Biblical knowledge, as well as attitudes about such hot button issues as the ordination of homosexuals. Vital attributes might include worship style preferences, energy level, sociability, expected levels of involvement, obstreperousness attitudes about such things as pot luck suppers and feeding the homeless. Demographic factors, such as age, race, and nationality, as presumably most dating services do, could also be factored into the equation for determining a match. I hope by now you are feeling a degree of discomfort about this idea. At least I do. There is something wrong with this picture.
The internet age has made it possible to form communities around increasingly narrower parameters. Looking for someone who shares your interest in collecting Brownie Chocolate Soda bottle caps? You can probably find someone online. Likewise, people wanting to be supported by like-minded people who share their religious beliefs don’t really need a congregation anymore. That too they can probably find online. Congregations are built not on compatibility but incompatibility, on the unexpected discovery kinship with individuals whom you may share nothing in common except the need for grace. But the unexpected discovery of kinship with individuals whom you may share nothing in common except the need for grace. If that is so, communicating about the purposes of congregations, increasing awareness and expectations, providing opportunities for interaction and discovery, ought to be a large part of what we do as church leaders.
The Barnabas Project, a new service of Partners in Caring, offers the services of a mentor who is able to come alongside you in your ministry, to provide objective and positive feedback as well as to offer insights on the ways your personality interacts with the dynamics of the system of the congregation you serve. You will be able to choose from a list of activities, which include
For additional information, contact me. A prescient cartoon by Tim Ayers dating from 1994:
In Christ's Service, Roger Kruger This e-mail newsletter is an endeavor of Partners in Caring, Lutheran Family Services of Nebraska, Inc. I envision it as a way to share ideas, resources, and conversation about the joys and struggles of ministry. I welcome your input. Feel free to pass it on to friends.
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eChurchshopping.com
It
is the same difficulty I have always felt with the principle of
homogeneity for church growth---i.e., congregations grow best by
targeting people who are most like themselves. The principle
is probably valid if numbers are the sole measure of success. Likes
attract likes. But when one
looks at the types of individuals to whom Jesus reached out---a
blind leper, a Roman centurion, a Pharisee, a Samaritan woman---none
of them pass the “homogeneity” standard
and I doubt that any of them would have been considered a match
by a computer program based on sociological or psychological
data.
A
New Service of Partners in Caring